I’ll be honest: writing a reflection of 2017 has been a somewhat daunting task. I have had a busy last few months with little time to process my day-to-day interactions, let alone offer any sort of productive thoughts on social media. Which led me to start thinking deeply(ish) about social media and facebook and instagram and the snapfaces and tweeterers of the world and how out of touch I feel even though my world demands I stay very in touch. As a way to reflect on my year, I began perusing my facebook and instagram accounts, pretending to view myself as though I didn’t know me. What was I showing my Friends? My Students? Everybody Else? The altered perspective offered a startling result.
As I scrolled through my Facebook feed I was rewarded with all of the wonderful things of my year. In 2017, I did a lot. Like, whoa. Facebook had all the photos and posts to prove it. I started back to January and re-lived marching with my sister on Washington DC. I came across reminders of the two yoga teacher trainings I completed, and the growth of Adaptive Yoga Northwest. And then came spring and summer and the mountain posts… Hood, Glacier Peak, Baker and then… Rainier and a night sleeping in her crater. I am a Mountain Woman: mujeres de la montana, as the Maestros sang to me during my nights in the Peruvian jungle. Facebook reminded me of that, too. And of all of the adventures my sister and I got into while travelling. I spent hours reviewing the endless pictures I’d downloaded so I could make room on my phone (sorry Facebook peeps for that photo bomb). Ancient sites, friendly llamas, Andean mountains… it was a pretty amazing trip, if I do say so myself.
Overall, impressive 2017.
But, if we’re being honest… and that’s how I roll… the Me on Facebook is pretty misleading. What I was seeing as I scrolled through the pages was a very 2-dimensional version of myself. One that was fun loving and fit and surrounded by exciting experiences. It was all the good, all the accomplishments, the ego feeding, the wit and a bit of righteous and angry outbursts. As a whole though, Facebook Nicole has a pretty good thing going.
I found myself wanting the life I have on Facebook.
Unfortunately, the actual me has a few more dimensions than my feed might show. They aren’t very attractive, either - hence the lack of real and raw and vulnerable amidst my posts. Those bits are often unpleasant to write and read - so they never make it in the status updates.
I did march proudly with my sister on Washington DC last January, but what’s not conveyed in our excitement is how I’ve been affected deeply and permanently by the election of my country’s President and it has thrust me into a place of deep grief. I feel a loss of country, of place, of family and the anger I am feeling can overwhelm. I guess I could post my crying emojis… but I don’t really think there’s a Facebook way to show how much of my year has been consumed by this, and by the knowledge that I’m not alone and that this is a collective grief.
I expanded this year as a yoga teacher and have the posts and photos to prove it. They don’t show how I spent the week in Minnesota questioning everything I am as a yoga teacher. How I was frustrated because I didn’t think my teacher was noticing me (and I like teachers to notice me!) and insecure around a group of other teachers who I felt were, frankly, a whole lot smarter than I am. I’m not sure how to get Facebook to show that in their ‘2017 Year of You’ slideshow.
On our way to March January 20, 2017.
Mountaineering is amazing. It takes skill, focus, training and a positive attitude… I learned a lot in the sport this year. I am proud of my accomplishments (which were actually pretty badass) but even there my social media presence is a bit misleading. On Facebook, you see this fit woman who looks properly geared up, standing proudly atop a mountain with other also fit, properly geared folks who are also proud and there are pretty pictures and you know everyone is okay because here we are posting on Facebook.
Me and my team atop Mt. Hood, May 6th. Photo Credit, Dane Steadman
You don’t see how 30 minutes into my climb up Mt. Hood I had to talk myself out of a panic attack because I was sure I couldn’t keep up with my team and even if I could keep up I was sure I wasn’t skilled enough to do it anyway. I didn’t have a hashtag for the conversations I have in my head at some point on every climb as to whether or not I’m a liability to my climbing companions. You don’t see the actual life or death decision moments and the go-pro doesn’t adequately capture the parts of the climb where the instruction is “walk fast and pray”. But none of that exists at the moment when I reach the summit; and that moment - when the distress I’ve been sitting with in my belly and head dissipate - that’s the instagram moment. And I won’t lie, #success is wonderful… but it’s not the whole story. It’s just the Facebook Me version.
#2017bestnine
Instagram ended the year with their annual #2017bestnine where they post the top 9 photos that received the most likes. In other words, here are the 9 photos that sum up the most important moments of your year according to how cool your friends think they were. My top nine were great, capturing some of the highlight of my year, and a part of me that is true. I could only see though how there was so much more to these photos than what my followers on instagram would see. There were so many other moments and thoughts that led to the final second the camera clicked.
As I reflected on these posts, updates and photos and the hidden dimensions behind them, I started to question the authenticity of my social media self. On one hand, if I want to live in Satya, truth, and be the truest most fullest version of myself - exposing a more fuller self might be in order. On the other hand, I didn’t want to get consumed by drama and over-sharing and allowing the negative to overtake the amazing things in my life. I still don’t know what the final result will be of this internal negotiation I’m having. For today, I thought I’d offer a slightly more authentic description of my #2017bestnine photos.
Pictures 1, 4, 5, 7 and 9 are all moments from my month in Peru. They accurately reflect the moments I was in. I smiled as I noticed #9 in the bottom corner of my picture collage. Within 24 hours of arriving to Iquitos, Peru I was with two men I had just met eating strange foods purchased in a back alley of the market on a boat in the middle of the Amazon River headed to an island where there was a monkey reserve. We could barely communicate, I had no way of getting myself back to my hotel if I needed to and nobody knew where I was. I realized as we docked on the island and transferred to a rickshaw how truly unwise my decision making had been up until this point. Logic aside, I just had a feeling it was all okay. I trusted the universe, I suppose. The instagram photo caught the moment strange man #1 lifted an Anaconda snake from a rickety enclosure and draped it around my neck as a scarf, placing the snake’s mouth in my hand and saying, quite seriously, “Don’t let go... and don’t squeeze hard.” So now I have a snake that could very clearly choke me wrapped around my neck and I’m supposed to keep him calm by holding his head with a snake charmers touch. While the snake, who is not on board with this situation is putting effort into an escape, I begin to realize this is definitely not an animal preserve, but actually a weird tourist trap of a zoo and I am not happy about supporting this and “1, 2, 3...Smile!” click. Honestly, the picture was cool, but as I looked at it I became sad. Sad that this hadn’t been a place I was proud to go to, and I felt a bit guilty about the snake whose life was confined to a rickety cage and being draped around the necks of humans who partially choke him out of fear. Perhaps I was mostly sad that I posted the photo anyway.
Picture #1 was one of my favorites of the year. Me posing alongside my healers in the Amazon. Maestra Lila, Maestro Damien, and their apprentice Tania. The picture shows a vibrant me, refreshed and renewed after living a healthy, simple life in the jungle for several weeks, my skin glowing as I smiled alongside Native Shipibo people dressed in their ceremony attire and looking very authentic and official. What’s not pictured? The two weeks of absolute emotional deterioration. The silent days where I felt my internal chatter want to push out of my eyes and ears; the discouragement when my expectations weren’t met with my own medicine work; the indescribable experience of plant ceremonies in the Peruvian Jungle. I went to Peru to heal internal wounds, to discover bits of myself, to reveal new pathways of living…. And I did some of that work. I also let go of beliefs and reliances and relationships that were no longer serving me and were instead holding me back. While letting go is a beautiful thing, it’s also terrifying. I’d become so accepting of certain pain and discomfort in my life that when I was finally shown a way to release them, I actually fought back for weeks to keep what I’d gone there to get rid of in the first place. Fighting for freedom, desiring familiar. I feel all of this when I look at this photo.
Pictures #3 and #7 were both posts that related to vegan food. I’ve been vegan for a little over a year now and the positive impacts on my health and life have been fantastic. What’s not shown in these photos is how challenging it is sometimes to make your own food choices that might not coincide with those around you. Particularly family and friends. For me, an even bigger struggle, is holding back my own judgements and desires for those around me to make their own eating changes. I have this belief that once you are given the true information about what exactly you are putting into your body when you choose to eat animal products, and how it impacts our environment, that every logical human would go vegan. That’s a bit of an extreme belief though, and keeping myself in check while kindly fielding the most asked question vegans hear, “But how do you get enough protein?!” can be tough. (Answer: You actually don’t need nearly as much as you’re told you do, and also plants. Protein is in plants, people! And beans, and nuts, and oats, and most things….)
Photos #2 and #8 are out doing active things. Climbing at the indoor gym is a new favorite hobby and speaks to my desire to try new things and add to my mountaineering skillset. Not shown: the fact that I’m so terrified of breaking my neck that I downclimb the wall every time rather than just jumping down like every other human in the facility (including the small children).
I’m shown at the top of Mt. Catherine with Astrid at sunset on a summer evening. A girl and her sweet dog out in the mountains at sunset. Pretty good life. Not shown: that it’s actually tears, not sweat that Astrid is licking off of me because I was going through a break up with the guy that seems to enjoy breaking up with me more than dating me. Even worse, this was not the last time Astrid had to clean up my tears this year. But #FellForHimAgain isn’t a very ‘Woman Power’ hashtag, and my social media presence needs to remain strong.
Hence photo #4, me atop Mt. Machu Picchu. Accomplished, badass, strong. Yes, these are all truths about this photo. Not Shown: That I was actually in a terrible mood here having spent the entire day being corralled around the Machu Picchu archeological site. My foul attitude had already taken its toll on my poor sister, who has adapted well to my mood cycles after 30+ years of knowing me. She and I are featured in photo #6 in front of the Christmas tree at our parents home where we grew up. The hidden backstory to this photo is my favorite. Here is a photo of me and my little sister, who I didn’t grow up getting along with all of the time. In fact, I wasn’t a very good big sister at all. I’m getting to know her as a friend in our adult years. She’s smart, patient, funny and open-minded and I feel really lucky to have been alongside her for some epic adventures this year.
My favorite photo instagram appropriately placed right in the center of my top nine grid. Me flying in the winds of the Nazca desert of Peru.
Not shown: That in this moment I was coming to terms with the fact that I’d likely be single when I returned home and it was going to hurt. I was accepting that I’d unexpectedly lost a teaching job 3 days before I boarded the plane to Lima and I didn’t have a plan, but somehow it would work out. You can’t see that nothing about this day went as planned. That my sweet sister was missing out on the one thing she really wanted to do and instead we were standing in a sandstorm. Literally. Yet, we both think back on this day fondly and with laughter.
It is a fitting reflection of my 2017. Standing alone amidst a swirl of sand and wind and sun. Things not going as I planned, but ending up exactly as they should be. Standing and laughing through discomfort and grief and fear. Embracing freedom, even and especially when I didn’t ask for it.
I suppose I’m thankful for my Facebook Me and the biased perspective that it gives. It’s a reminder that I have some pretty awesome things going in my life, even if the photo doesn’t quite capture the whole story.
Here’s to living fully, completely and with balance in 2018; embracing #AllOfMe with open arms, especially those moments the camera can’t quite capture..
Happy New Year!
~ Nicole